“Brett Kavanaugh! “ Yelled Kanye West as he strut across the stage. His hand was up in a fist Black Panther style (the original Black Panthers) as he swagged his newest Yeezys. “For the culture ya’ll.”
My eyes were bleeding from all the Kavanaugh post on my Facebook feed. It seemed that everyone had an opinion on this guy, and that opinion was based on a) whether or not you had a penis or vagina b) your skin complexion. You either loved Brett Kavanaugh because he is a white republican, and therefor believe he is incapable of raping a drunk woman, or you hated Brett Kavanaugh because he is a white republican, and therefor lived for one purpose; grabbing women by the pussy and raping them after a couple of drinks.
I watched highlights of Kavanaugh answering questions about his past, and it became clear to me that it was one thing to talk about a middle aged frat boys past, it’s another thing to bring it up to him.
Of course Brett Kavanaugh got women drunk and raped them. The guy is Bryce Walker from 13 reasons why. He’s a walking, breathing, golem of every frat boy movie foretelling the current and future state of our country. You think the bohemian grove choose-a- president-generation was bad? Imagine what their kids are going to be like once they’ve completely taken over the political infrastructure. Imagine a group of kids who saw their parents (well, actually, their fathers) fuck over an entire country for fun and profit and now think it’s their right to do it. This is Brett Kavanaugh. A man who believes he understands the needs of women and minorities in a system that benefits from a set of rules that keep people like him in a perpetual state of power and influence. And what he represents is the future of the Republican Party, and possibly, America.
Brett Kavanaugh is now a Supreme Court Justice. One of the most powerful positions in the United States. One that holds tremendous influence in corporate and social issues that a lot of first world countries figured out a long time ago. You know, like universal healthcare and drugs.
“Get ready to go back to old values.” Mitch McConnell told me as he was about to enter his cryogenic chamber. “50 years ago, we didn’t worry about things like climate change or equal pay. Those were simpler times. Times will be getting simpler again.”
McConnell, fell to his knees holding his chest. Things looked bad until his assistant rushed into the room with a syringe and stabbed it through his chest. He popped back up to his feet with the syringe still in his chest.
“No further questions.” He said as a group of secret service men escorted me out of his office. Just as I left I saw a goat being wheeled in on a hand truck. The goat had its legs tied by its hooves. It was accompanied by six men wearing robes. The chanting started almost immediately after the doors closed.
“Brett Kavanaugh, is a stand up guy. Let me tell you.” Paul Ryan said. He answered my questions between each push-up. “You have until I get to 1,000.” That translated into a full three minutes for Paul Ryan, which was two minutes more of Paul Ryan that I could take, so I slid out the exit and headed to the one place in Washington that I knew I was sure to find Brett Kavanaugh, at a keg.
“I love beer,” Brett said as he filled his mug to the brim from the keg. There was a thick layer of foam at the top that made it look like a latte. He chugged his beer down in one gulp and poured himself another. “I still love drinking beer. I always will.”
“Why do you like beer so much?” I said.
“Beer is the ultimate wingman. Make a girl drink 6-7 of them and she won’t say no. Add in a little love pill, and it’s a done deal.”
“That’s probably because she can’t Brett. She can’t say no.”
“Same difference.” Brett said. “Want me to top that off for you?”
“I’m fine right now.” I said. “Don’t you think that’s rape?”
“Of course not.” Brett said. “Rape is when a woman says no and you keep going. You see, that never happened with me. I was never verbally refused. So that means I never raped anyone.”
“I’m don’t know about that.” I said. “But let’s get to the other problem, you believe in expanding the powers of the president. Exactly what does that entail? and given who our current president is, how would that be a good thing?”
A blank expression came over his face and then a group of secret service men rushed into the room and escorted me out agai. That was fine. Given the current administrations stance on investigative journalism, I got off easy. I decided to head back home before my luck ran out.
I ran into Kanye again at the airport, he was wearing he was wearing his MAGA hat and Kaepernick jersey.
“We got to wake up.” He said. “Uplift our consciousness so that we could move between the dimensions and overtake the simulation to rewrite it in our own image.”
“Maybe you’re right Kanye.” I said as I put in my earplugs. “Maybe you’re right.”