Okay. Now I’ve seen everything, it’s wasn’t enough that I’ve run into Ben, got sent to hell, and wrapped up in this ridiculous occult thing again. I now found myself in the backroom of some California shithole pawnshop, tied down to a chair next to my one time close friend Benjamin Beardsley, who somehow still had his fedora on while staring at our two captors in the eyes, trying to mesmerize them from under his sunglasses. Well, given who the two captors were, that was never going to work.
“Mr. B” walked into the room with all the dignity and authority of an elderly pervert who had spent every waking moment of his life satisfying his addictions. He had deep, dark eyes, not the color but what you felt behind them. He was ugly as fuck, and took his role as a villain way too seriously, with his black suit and red tie. He had a gun holstered at his waist. His slimy voice made me think of water torture.
“Well, well, what do we have here.” He said as staggered his heavyset body into the empty seat in front of us. It creaked as he leaned back. “A couple of fish.” The man was none other than Richard Bandler.
“That one was going to pee on the one with the hat.” Poke said, pointing at me.
“Is that right?” Bandler said, “You were going to pee on him?”
Mr. Bandler, was evil personified and not the person I wanted to run into at this, or any time. Bandler was carrying around an aerosol canister attached to a tube with a medical mask. He took a big hit from the mask after he sat down, and let out a bellowing “Oh Yeah! Let’s fuck!” Bandler looked over at Poke. “Get the gimp.” He said.
“Pan’s asleep,” Poke said.
“Then wake him up!” Bandler said.
We watched Poke go into the next room. There was a large black box in the room, Poke opened it, tapped someone on the head, and Pan sprung up from the box with a growl muffled under a leather mask. We could tell it was Pan because of the horns, tail, and meat-sicle popping out of holes in his leathers ensemble. Poke guided Pan into the room by chain leash and made him kneel next to Bandler. Pan’s hooves made clacking sounds as he settled in place.
“Fuck, eat, drink, smoke, fuck,” Pan said through his grunt.
“Shut the fuck up!” Bandler said.
Bandler put his hand on Pan’s leathered covered head and started tapping on it with his fingers.
“I’m going to take off your fucking gags. If either of you scream, you’re fucking dead right now and Poke fucks your decomposing corpses for the next two months.” Bandler said.
“He’s right.” Poke said. “I will.”
We both nodded.
Poke took off the gags. Both Ben and I gasped for air.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush here, both of you are getting a full man-meat injection from me, Poke, and Pan. Nothing you say or do is going to stop that from happening. No sir. Now what I want to know is, which one of you is going first?” Bandler said. “I’ll let you both state your case.”
It was clear that Bandler was trying to turn us against each other, but what he didn’t realize is that me and Ben were already at each other’s throats. It was also clear that neither of us was getting off the hook, but one of us was getting those three cream-poles at full mast and I knew from my own jimmy jam that a love-stick doesn’t always work at full capacity for men as old as Poke and Richard. Pan, was the wild card here though. That thing looked insatiable.
“Allow me a moment Richard.” Ben said.
“Fuck, eat, drink, smoke, fuck,” Pan said
“I said shut the fuck up!” Bandler said. He looked at Ben. “Mr. B. You call me Mr. B.”
“Sure. Why not? Mr. B; I’m a big follower of your work. NLP, shaped the current world we live in, and my life for the better.”
“I’m believing about 10% of what you just said.” Bandler said.
“Caution. I admire that in a person.” Ben said. “I can tell that we are building a sincere rapport and that you are starting to like me.”
“I already hate you.” Bandler said.
“Of course you do.” Ben said. “You’re not fond of me. Despite this fact, you clearly respect me as a peer.”
“What’s your name again?” Bandler asked. “It’s Ben, isn’t it?”
“Please, call me Simon.” Ben said.
“Okay, Ben.” Bandler said. “I invented NLP, why are you trying to use it on me? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
“Co-invented.” Ben said.
Bandler and Poke gave each other a knowing look.
“I think I’ve heard enough. We’ll do this the old fashioned way.” Bandler said.
I’m not going to lie. My asshole clenched up for a moment there when he didn’t let me make my case. Bandler pointed his finger at me, then began to to say “eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” While moving it between me and Ben. “Catch a snowfrican by the toe.” My heart skipped every time his finger pointed at me, but then he surprised both of us. “If he hollers let him go,” he began to keep the finger on Ben, lifting it and pointing at Ben with every one of the final words. “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” Bandler stopped and smiled.
“Do you want to know a good way to fall in love, Ben? Just associate all your pleasant experiences with someone, and disassociate from all the unpleasant ones.” Bandler said with a smile. “Just a little advice for you over the next couple of hours. I have a feeling that this will test both of us.”
Bandler stood up.
“Put the gags back on both of them. Then take “Simon” into the next room and bend him over a box with his pants around his ankles.”
“What about the gimp?” Poke said.
“Bring him into the room with us. Pan, goes first.” Bandler said scoped out Ben’s butt as Poke took him out of the chair. “I imagine we are going to need a can opener for this one.”
“Fuck, eat, drink, smoke, fuck,” Pan said. His goo-hose slapped erect midway up his stomach like a 3 liter bottle of coke bouncing off the ground. Except this thing was already throbbing and veiny.
“I said shut the fuck already!” Bandler screamed at the top of his lungs.
They were in the room when Poke closed the door behind them. Less than a minute later, I heard the rustling sound of a pair of pants being removed and someone spitting in their hand.
“Fuck, eat, drink, smoke!” Pan said.
“Shut the fuck up and stuff this turkey.”
“Yeah! Io Pan! Io Pan! Io Pan! Io Pan! Io Pan!“ I could hear Bandler and Poke chanting from the other room. By the sound of it, Ben wasn’t taking it well. As his wails continued to fill the air like the sound of a dying wolf. I wasn’t sure how this was happening, but I was sure about one thing; Pan, was cramming his thick, hot, vein-monster into Ben’s gritty, taut, bunghole. I don’t think Ben appreciated it much.
Perhaps Ben would have been able to take it a little better had he known that I had managed to get free from my restrains, but I doubt it, he was getting banged pretty hard in there. I made a run for it. The idiots hadn’t locked the way out and that’s where I was going, but just as I reached the front door and turned the doorknob, something hit me. It wasn’t Ben’s screams.
It was the fact that I was leaving him behind like this. No, we weren’t close friends anymore, but could I let him get back-doored by a Greek deity? Sure I could. At least for a couple of minutes, but more of that would be bad for my Karma. And I don’t need anymore of that.i did what almost anyone else would do, I searched for weapons. I found almost everything, knives, swords, baseball bats, used tampons, but only one thing I found was suitable for what I needed to do. I grabbed it and headed for the back again.
Ben was still getting it hard as I approached the door. I reached out and softly touched the door. It swung open slightly. Pan was still going at Ben’s ass as both Bandler and Poke watched on with int new anticipation for their turn. Poke, had his hands down his pants as he watched with listful anticipation,
“Hey boys,” I said. Both Bandler and Poke turned around just in time to get a pencil, my weapon of choice, driven into each of their necks. Blood sprouted out of their arteries as they collapsed to the floor in pain.
“Holy shit!” I said. “That Worked!”
I only had Pan to deal with. I pulled the pencil out of Poke’s neck.
“Thank you,” Poke said. Which annoyed me so in stuck it in his eye. I kicked Bandler a couple of times and then pulled the pencil out of his neck. I stabbed Pan in his back with the pencil and he screamed, but wouldn’t stop fucking Ben. I kept stabbing Pan until he finally broke away from Ben and fell into the fetal position on the floor.
“Fuck, eat, drink, smoke!” Pan said. His voice was weak.
“Shut the fuck up,” I said.
“Hey, don’t talk to him like that!”
I turned, and it was Bandler sitting up, blood still spilling out of his neck, he had his gun pointed at me.
“Have more respect for the gods.” Bandler said.
I heard a click-clack.
“Step aside Jose,” Ben said. I did, and Ben shot Bandler in the nuggets. Bandler dropped his gun and grabbed his balls which were now splattered on his legs and floor.
“So that’s what shooting a gun feels like.” Ben said.
“Feels good, huh?” I said. Ben had pulled his pants up, but was walking around a little tender after getting ass rammed.
“Meh,” Ben said.
“You not going to finish them off?” I said.
“Naw,” Ben said. “Let’s just get out of here.”
“Give me that shit.” I said. Ben handed over the shotgun. I pointed it at Pan.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. The ramifications could terrible!” Ben said, he continued talk but all I heard was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, as I pulled the trigger.
From close range, Pan’s brains landed on, me, Ben, and the shotgun.
“The best thing about the past is that it’s over. The best thing about the future is that it has yet to come.” I pointed the shotgun at Bandler who was still squirming in the fragments of his balls, “the best thing about the present is that I can shoot Bandler right now.”
“Hey!” Bandler said. “That isn’t my quote.”
I shot Bandler in the face. I then let the shotgun drop from my hands onto the floor.
“Did you have to kill everyone?” Ben said.
“How’s your ass?” I said.
“It feels like a Greek deity with a pretty big…” Ben said, but I interrupted.
“I’m just kidding,” I said, “I don’t care, but I’d go to the hospital before you go septic or something. He really got in there.”
We walked out onto the street without saying a word to each other. It was clear that nothing needed to be said. I pulled out my phone and checked google map.
“The hospital is that way.” I said. “I took Bandler’s wallet. You want the cash? I’m keeping his credit cards.”
I handed Ben the cash.
“Oh, and I took Poke’s wallet too. All he had was this.” I handed Ben some coke. “That should keep your mind off the pain until you get to the hospital.”
I started to walk away.
“Where you headed?” Ben said.
“I’m in LA. I’m going to a dispensary.” I said.
“Can I go with you?” Ben said.
“What about your ass?”
Ben, sniffed the coke right out of the bad. “I’m good.”
We headed down the road chasing the sundown. We didn’t say anything about 33rd parallel, but we didn’t need to. That’s the way it always was anyway. The way it should be.
“Yeah.” I said.
“The great god Pan is dead.” Ben said.
“Yes, he is Ben.”
• The End